My Body Killed My Baby!

Harsh title, I know…but it got you here! While this has been and still is a painful experience my prayer has always been “Lord don’t let my pain be in vain”. I don’t want to go through an experience that caused me tons of pain and growth without sharing that experience with others that may benefit from hearing it. I am trusting the algorithm to do its thing and it is my hope that this reaches the right person/people. So here we go.

So boom, I got covid the 1st week of August 2021 and it caused me to missed the 1st two weeks of the schoolyear. Once I finally go back to work, I started to notice some changes in my body. I was breaking out in hives, which does happen if I get too hot, but it was starting to happen more than usual. I was feeling stressed having started the school year late, so I brushed the hives off as stress. My body can NOT handle stress at all which is why I keep an unbothered attitude because otherwise I will literally get sick. I suddenly had a desire for water, and usually I hate water lol, and even without drinking anything I was having to peeing a lot. I would have to call teacher friends to come watch my kids multiple time an hour to go pee. Eventually a teacher that was having to watch my class all the time, asked if I’m pregnant. My answer is always no, because being fat people ask you that question a lot lol. Again, I brushed off the pregnancy thing until I snap at my husband one day over something small and he said, “you’re being weird… you pregnant?”. That’s when I started to get nervous.

I looked at my period tracker, and it was super late and I’m still not sure how I didn’t notice. I took a few at home pregnancy tests and they were all positive. I immediately start freaking out and became overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. At this time, we were only about 6 months into our weekly secessions with Ms. Janelle our ITDS (Infant and Toddler Development Specialist) a service provided to us through early steps to help my daughter with her language skills. The guilt I was feeling was due to already having a daughter with delays that requires a lot of attention. The thought of adding a newborn to the mix was overwhelming and I felt I was gonna become a negligent mother to my 1st born. I continued to struggle with those feelings for months even though my husband had an opposite reaction to me.

When I told my husband about the pregnancy, he was super excited! He immediately took me took me to Buy Buy Baby, a store I worked at one summer during my journey to conceive…another blog for another day as well. We call my doctor to schedule the confirmation appointment and we were far enough along to get an ultrasound picture of the baby. After that appointment I continued to go about life BAU (business as usual). My next appointment was schedule for late September, and it feels like everything was downhill from there. Before I went in for the ultrasound a nurse came in and asked what I had for breakfast because there was a lot of sugar in my urine. I told her I hadn’t eaten anything yet and had only had water. She had me go over to the lab to draw some blood and run a few tests while we were waiting for the ultrasound. The baby was measuring smaller than it should be, so they adjusted my due date by a few weeks but still said everything looked good.

After we finished with the ultrasound technician, my doctor came in to let me know that based on my numbers, I was being diagnosed with diabetes. Now I had gestational diabetes with my 1st pregnancy, so I was expecting that again, but she said that I had just plain old diabetes. When we did blood work after having my daughter in 2019 everything was fine. Which means that sometime between late 2019 and summer 2021, I developed diabetes. So now I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack and in my mind, I’m telling myself “Don’t worry, just pray, have peace”. It’s a reminder I used that’s derived from Philippians 4:6-7 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. It’s a scripture one of my line sisters used a lot in college and I struggle with anxiety just let her, so I adopted it as a life scripture for myself.  

The panic attack and tears continued when she asked a question I couldn’t answer. When is the last time you’ve seen your doctor? I paused for a moment and then after thinking for a minute I realized that size I had got pregnant in 2018, I hadn’t seen any doctors other that her. After what I considered a struggle to conceive, I had only been concerned with the health of my uterus and not my body overall. There’s no telling how long I have had diabetes and with my A1C being 13 it was out of control.

Even with that day of bad news I was still hopeful and committed to change. I immediately changed my diet and started checking my sugar 5 times a day…but it was too late, and the damage had already been done. By the 2nd week of October, I started feeling uneasy and had started spotting. When I would call the afterhours nurse number, they’d say it was nothing to worry about I felt like it was. I called my doctor on October 12th and she was able to squeeze me in. My husband happened to be off work that day and went with my do the doctor. During the ultrasound he asked the technician, “Why is it so quiet?”. That’s when we got the news. She let us know the baby didn’t have a heartbeat anymore and was measuring about 2 weeks smaller than it should be. They gave us a few minutes alone but I’m sure everyone in that office could hear me screaming and crying. My doctor came in to go over next steps and we scheduled a DNC for the following week but never made it to that appointment. I Thank God for my best friend because she prepared me for what was about to happen.

On that Friday October 15th (the day before my birthday) I started to have strong contractions and my body was starting to pass the baby. My father-in-law took me to the hospital and had to hold onto my daughter because they wouldn’t allow her in the hospital. They put me in a dark room to literally yell and scream from pain all alone for an hour and then my cousin walked in. My sister had called her from Washington and asked her to check on me. It was her husband’s birthday, so she happened to be in town from a few hours passing through on the way to South Florida. I appreciate her so much for staying with me until my husband got there.

As a side note, as much as I love Baptist hospital, the hospital was absolutely no help. I know they were short staffed, but I literally had to do everything myself. Once the pain ceased and I could feel that everything has passed I went to the restroom and saw everything hanging out of me. I asked the nurse what to do and she told me to pull it out. I literally had to pull out the tiny baby and everything attached to it with my bare hands. That was the worst sight I’ve ever seen. After that I remained depressed for months and I feel like I’m finally starting to come out of it now.

Why do I feel like my body killed my baby?

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Why do I feel like my body killed my baby? 〰️

Looking back at the timeline of events, I now know that I was already pregnant when I had covid. I’m not sure if that had any effects on my baby but I’m sure it didn’t help. Aside from having covid, the diabetes was the real culprit. I had been walking around with a disease untreated for what could have been two years! I let years ago by without seeing a primary doctor and having any type of blood work or test done which is horrible. I keep thinking that if I had only seen a doctor sooner this could have all been avoided, but the sad truth is that it took this experience for me to take any interest in myself and my health.

For years now I have been putting myself last on my list of priorities and it wasn’t until me neglecting myself directly affected someone else (my unborn and now deceased baby) that I realized something would need to change. As 2021 was coming to an end I decided to sit down and do some goal setting for 2022. Now I always do goal setting but what I’ve learned that a goal without having a plan it just a dream. I declared that 2022 would be the year of me. I’m committed to my health and wellness and putting myself 1st. Doing thing has allowed me to become a whole and happier wife, mommy, teacher, and everything other role I play in the lives of those that mean the most to me. While I do hate that I had to go through this experience to make any changes, I choose to believe that ALL things, not just some things work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.

I encourage everyone to see a doctor. Do what you need to do to get your health in check! I know that it can be difficult finding a doctor that truly cares about you as a person, but there are some good ones out there. You can always do like me and find you a black woman. Both my Primary Care Physician and my OBGYN are black women and I truly believe that they both care for me and have my best interest at heart. They’re also both taking new clients so if you need a referral for a good doctor let me know.

I leave you with this quote I read today.

“Your life doesn’t get better by chance; it gets better by change.”- Jim Rohn