Not Again…….
I really wasn’t sure where to start with this post. This was a recent loss… and I mean VERY recent…. I haven’t even had my post-op appointment yet, I felt the need to write it down and get it out. The healing process, both physically and mentally, has been a lot different this time around, and I’m trying to repurpose my pain by sharing it.
There is no heartbeat...
.
.
.
.
The 4 little words I was not expecting to hear at all, especially during an unexpected ultrasound. Everything with this pregnancy has been going amazingly. When I initially found out I was pregnant I started freaking out and made the confirmation appointment with my doctor 2 days later. When I called, the scheduling department was trying to schedule me with a nurse, which for me is unacceptable. When I go to the doctor's office I prefer to see my actual doctor. She has been with me through my first 2 pregnancies, and I like to think that I was her 1st patient. When I got pregnant in 2018 my doctor at the time had just retired and after a failed attempt at reaching Dr. Simone and Dr. Jackie from Married to Medicine, I landed at my current office. I let them schedule me with the new doctor. I’m not usually fond of new people and I couldn’t figure out her race/nationality by her last name, don’t judge me for wanting to know her race. "It may not mean nothing to ya’lllllllllll" (In my drake voice), but I had been trying to find a black female doctor, so when they said her first name was Kendra I figured she must be black. And she was. That was 5 years ago, and we’ve been together ever since.
Back to the story though. After I told the scheduling department I could only see my doctor they transferred me to the scheduling manager, who informed me that the reason I couldn't see my doctor was because SHE is pregnant and would be on maternity leave during my delivery time. I insisted that my doctor would still want to see me up until her maternity leave. And my doctor agreed.
During my confirmation appointment, my doctor and I had a chance to have a heart-to-heart. She let me know who would be taking over for her while she was on leave and that she was willing to come in to do my delivery. (This is why I love her). We spoke about what I could do to avoid having another miscarriage, which honestly isn’t much, but we did it all.
- We check my HCG and progesterone levels (which were great)
- I had already lost 25-30 pounds since the last pregnancy, and I was in better shape.
- I had got my A1C from 13 to 5.8 and she even ordered me a continuous blood sugar monitor so that I wasn’t pricking myself 4-6 times a day like she wanted me to.
- I cut my caffeine to less than the recommended limit.
- I made sure I was stress-free.
- I prayed and anointed myself with oil on a regular basis.
I literally did EVERYTHING I could to ensure that this baby had a fighting chance, so when the ultrasound tech said, “There’s nothing you did wrong.” I believed her this time. And now that I’m thinking about Ms. Gail, I owe her the biggest apology ever.
So, back to the appointment. As I mentioned before, I wasn’t expecting to have an ultrasound because I had one scheduled for the following week with ROC (a separate agency that I was about to start seeing because my pregnancy is high risk due to my diabetes, previous miscarriage, and having a GERIATRIC PREGNANCY!! -Don’t get me started on that term smh I do not feel like me being 35 makes my pregnancy geriatric, but I digress… that’s a post for another day). So, I get to the appointment, and they tell me that my doctor added an ultrasound to make sure everything was going okay. Initially, I was okay. I’m like Kool, she just wants to make sure I’m good, but the longer I sat in the waiting room the more anxious I got. After an hour goes by I ask the front desk questions like what’s taking so long, will I still be able to see my doctor after the ultrasound, what time is she leaving for the day, everything. My nephew has just had a baby the day before and sent me a picture so that was a nice distraction while I continues to wait.
They finally call me back for my ultrasound and I’m a little excited now. I start talking to Ms. Gail about her day so far and ask why she’s so backed up. She tells me they schedule the ultrasound close together not realizing that it is not always a happy occasion. When she does ultrasounds it's to look for abnormalities and more times than not she’s delivering some type of bad news it take people time to process and she’s not going to rush them out for the next appointment. I immediately start to feel nervous again. She starts the ultrasound on top of my belly and then says she needs to do a vaginal one for a better view. I’ve had a vaginal ultrasound for the 6-week appointment, and it went well so I’m still nervous but haven’t given up hope yet.
As soon as she gets started, I see the baby and get happy again, but that joy lasts for just a moment because I quickly realized what was missing. Sound. The room is silent, and I can already see on her face that she’s about to deliver me bad news. As soon as she says “Ashanti….” I start crying. After saying my name she says, “I should be able to hear a heartbeat, and there isn’t one.” I’m not sure why but hearing that turn my tears to rage. I yelled “NOT AGAIN!!!” which I can tell shocked her a little and she was at a loss for words. She told me she was going to step out for a moment so that I could call my husband and she was going to get my doctor.
I texted my husband “There’s no heartbeat. Another miscarriage” and then immediately called him crying. I’m still in a rage yelling at him, “I TEXTED YOU!! YOU DIDN’T READ MY TEXT! THE BABY IS DEAD!.” He responded, “Are you serious?” and then made me angrier. Looking back, I’m sure he was just in shock as much as I was and didn’t know what to say. The entire miscarriage process seems to be a lot different for moms and dads and I have theories I’ll share in a different post.
After talking to my husband, my doctor finally came in and I could tell she felt so bad for me. As a reminder, she’s about 5-6 months pregnant right now, and she has her doctor's coat closed trying to cover her baby bump. She’s expressing her condolences and going over my options but letting me know I don’t have to decide now. I let her know that I want a D& C as soon as possible, tomorrow if she’s available because allowing the baby to pass naturally was too traumatic of an experience for me to go through it again. D & C is when they medically remove the baby. She said she’ll contact labor and delivery to see when an operating room is available. I told her to give me a call later that day. I wanted to have the surgery scheduled as soon as possible because I wanted a D&C during the last miscarriage, but it happened naturally because the surgery was scheduled for a week out. She assured me that I’d get a call as soon as possible.
Although I was still in tears leaving out of the back entrance of my doctor’s office, so that I could avoid crying as I walked past all the happily pregnant mommies in the waiting room, I quickly had to get myself together. From there I had to go pick up my daughter and I don’t like her to see me crying much. Once my husband got home later that evening she did see me lying on the couch crying though.
I eventually fell asleep upset because my doctor hadn’t called me, but a call from her office came at 7 am on the dot the next morning. It was Wednesday and they let me know that they had me scheduled for surgery on Friday morning. The nurse that called me had just had a miscarriage and D & C a few weeks ago and was able to talk me through the process and offer words of compassion which I appreciated.
I took the rest of the week off from summer school to just rest and have some alone time. Also, for me, I feel so uncomfortable knowing that I’m walking around with a baby in me that’s no longer living. I’ll get into the actual surgery in a different post, but I wanted to talk about how I’m feeling right now and hopefully encourage someone that may be going through a similar situation. As I write this post, it's been about 10 days since I had the D&C procedure, and although statistically speaking things don’t look the best for me, I feel hopeful. I understand that miscarriages happen, and I am now a part of the "1 of 100" group of women who have had multiple miscarriages back-to-back. Having had this happen to me twice, it's easy for me to get down but instead of focusing on what I see and how things look right now, I’m choosing to focus on what I know to be true. And that is, I know what the Lord promised me.
Psalm 145:13 reads “Your Kingdom is everlasting Kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is trustworthy in all his promises and faithful in all he does.”
That’s what I’m holding on to! I know that God is not a man and CAN NOT lie. He’s never failed me yet so why start now? I believe that I will see the promises of God fulfilled in my life and you will too.
In moments of darkness, there are a few songs that keep me encouraged.
o He Said - Group 1 Crew Ft. Chris August
o Up- Tauren Wells & Erica Campbell
o After This- J.J. Hairston & Youthful Praise
o Psalm 42- Tori Kelly Ft. Kirk Franklin
o Hills & Valleys - Tauren Wells
o I'll Find You- Lecrae ft. Tori kelly
My prayer is that this reaches someone in need and it encourages you to keep the faith!
P.S. For those of you that know me personally, resist the urge to say “why didn’t you tell me?” please. I’m telling you now :-) and I promise you I’m okay. I have my moments and burst into tear sometimes but doing better day by day. Feel free to comment though ;-)
